Maybe I’m thinking about this wrong, but whether it’s Italy, or Spain, or Mexico City (where I lived for a few years, it wasn’t always the “pop-in” (which did happen of course occasionally), but there was usually a desire to get out, and walk around (the paseo is a well known example) where you were sure to bump into someone who was also interested in chit-chat for chit-chat’s sake… To me, that is the lesson of walkable neighborhoods and centralized gathering places - if you crave social interactions, you know where to go!
It isn't even just in real life either - imagine just calling a friend for a quick chat for no particular purpose. If any of my friends called me without texting first I'd assume they were in some sort of emergency, not just because they wanted to say hi!
I think texting / planning are sort of low-key ways of reducing social friction (you don't have to read a text until you want to, you can choose not to attend events). Dropping in, calling people - they're all sort of "high intensity" moments in contrast, and for some reason, perhaps because alternatives exist/are easier now, we all sort of coalesce around the easy path and never see each other
Thanks, Angela! I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I figured other people were also wondering about it, so it was worth highlighting. I think David, in his comment here, is onto something: we have largely structured our modern lives around convenience. We haven't really appreciated the opportunity cost of that convenience, though.
So one important way that TV land differs from real life: these sets are always immaculate. Like, Monica's apartment is never less than perfectly clean. Jerry is also a fastidious cleaner, all these TV sets are never believably messy, no dirty dishes. Like, you never see Jerry cooking dinner-- if the Seinfeld crew eats, it's at that diner, or maybe they try to get soup. There's no meals to be cooked, dishes to be washed, no laundry to be picked up and washed, dried, folded, put away, etc., there's no, well-- household maintenance of any kind to get done. There's barely any groceries to buy, unless you can do a bit with a funny grocer. None of these TV circles of friends gets their groceries from a chain grocery store, or at least, not on camera. They never go shopping for clothes or household goods. They never need to get a new couch. Also, they only go through their bills when it's a bit. They don't have to schedule doctor's appointments. They get sick only performatively, they almost never have any health condition that needs regular appointments unless they're pregnant or it's a bit.
All of this is assumed to be off camera, and off camera-- everyone is a fastidiously immaculate keeper of their homes, perfect home accountants, etc. In real life-- when most of us have guests, we have to work furiously to get the house up to snuff, whatever our comfort level is. And we need to eat. And most of are are not immaculately fastidious house keepers. We have home repairs that need doing. Often car repairs. Bills to manage. etc. etc. etc.
And that's not even counting all the other things that would make a pop-in uncomfortable. There is the need to entertain your guest-- you need something to 'do,' you need to have drinks and snacks to offer them. Before you can have a friend that 'pops over,' or even a family member, you need to get to the point where that friend is comfortable with whatever state of mess your house is in by default. Before you can get to the stage where your talkative friend is over every day, they need to get comfortable talking to you while you make dinner, or fold the laundry, etc. You've got to be able to stop whatever you're doing-- and entertain. Even if you really need to go through your bank account, or wait on hold to argue with the cable company about your internet bill, or make sure you can return that thing Amazon delivered that got damaged in transit, or... well, all the tasks that Millennials dubbed 'adulting.'
If you have kids? That throws even more spanners into the works. Families with younger children have entire bedtime routines during prime time TV slots. Before that, they probably have homework, or extra-curriculars. Thier kids are in activities like swim-class, or soccer, or scouting, etc. etc. etc. Almost no kids are fastidiously tidy. They are rambunctious and interrupt; they want to be Part Of The Conversation, even if they have no idea what the adults are talking about. They spill grape juice on your guests. As they age-- they have extracurriculars, they have homework. You have to work some kind of scheme or discipline to get them to clean their room, pick up their laundry, do other chores. And you need to play with them-- you got to get in some Mariocart with your 12 year old, maybe sit down for 'tea' with your 6 year old, get them to the park, play outside in the yard, etc.
So, yeah-- as a kid, you don't have to manage all this 'adulting' stuff, your parents manage most of it for you. Kids care less about how clean the house is. if there is one kid who has parents that make their home open to the other neighborhood kids, then yeah-- kids are happy to gather together. But there are fewer of those, because fewer people are having kids, and if they have kids, they have fewer of them. Like on a given city block, the odds that there are more than two kids in the same age range is not great. My kid is the only kid under 15 on the block, for example. When Boomers were having more kids (us) there were more families with an age-range of kids. Neighborhood kids are not even guaranteed friends, so yeah. A 'playdate' is just another event that takes a couple weeks to coordinate. And again takes someone with a house/apartment they're comfortable hosting in.
In college-- 'adulting' is still a bit away. No one cares if your dorm room has laundry to pick up. Food happens at the dorm cafeteria. If you live off campus-- college boys are basically expected to have messy homes. I lived in a 'party' house with 5 other guys, and people were constantly in and out. No one cared the carpet was filthy, or if there were red solo cups from the last party, or dirty dishes in the sink as long as they were not actively rotting. The couches were old and over-used stuff we picked up second or third hand, passed down from friends when they had to move. We vacuumed, we didn't have like spills or such we just left untouched, but yeah. We were not really that embarrassed by like the scuff marks on the wall from the last party.
When I got my first apartment all to myself-- well, then I cared a lot more about adulting, about having nice things, about having a schedule and stuff to do. I needed to care more about being a good host. I needed to save money and eat more groceries than fast food.
That's the change that happens once you are a full 'adult.' And that is when random pop-ins become kind of an imposition. Then once you realize it's an imposition, you stop dropping in on your friends, so that you're not imposing on them.
It's just now occurred on me, the half-dozen comments I’ve left on this blog - and indeed this very comment - can be expressed in a single, reliable syntax:
“Having recently moved from Austin to San Francisco, I've discovered [routine instances of] the [particular socio-behavioral convention] whose obsolescence Ryan laments in [the article above].”
As kids, this was the typical thing we did; go over to a friends house and ring the doorbell and see if they could play. Similarly, as a young adult in an urban university, we used to pop up at each other's apartments to have a beer, discuss class, maybe even study occasionally. It is so sad to read this, and realize the chance of a friend popping over today is absolutely zero. We've lost so much.
I think the more modern acceptable version of this is what SD said below, taking a walk in your neighborhood and running into friends and neighbors, but this assumes you know some of your neighbors and the area is walkable. We are fortunate to have that where we live, but it is sadly absent for so many in modern life. I love the aspirational quality of this article!
Your article made me think of Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz lol. But, seriously, I live in an apartment building on the Upper West Side. There are 6 apartments on my floor and I hardly see or have any contact with my neighbors. But, there is a block association and an Aging in Place community in the area.
Similarly, we almost never interacted with our neighbors when we lived in apartment buildings. We have a lot more interactions with neighbors in Austin now, thanks to having a cute dog, so we always encounter folks while taking her out.
Great article. The "stop and chat" in Curb and the "pop-in" in Seinfeld... both despised by the main characters but we all need a little more of both in our lives. Especially men and dads, in particular.
Solid breakdown. The bit about walkability gets overlooked alot but it's huge. I lived in a dense neighborhood once where the coffee shop run basiclaly became a social ritual because everyone was always there. The distance factor alone kills spontaniety before any social anxiety even enters the picture.
Maybe I’m thinking about this wrong, but whether it’s Italy, or Spain, or Mexico City (where I lived for a few years, it wasn’t always the “pop-in” (which did happen of course occasionally), but there was usually a desire to get out, and walk around (the paseo is a well known example) where you were sure to bump into someone who was also interested in chit-chat for chit-chat’s sake… To me, that is the lesson of walkable neighborhoods and centralized gathering places - if you crave social interactions, you know where to go!
That's great. Walkability creates serendipity!
I am obsessed with this very subject: how did we get to a state where dropping in is considered rude or worse? Thanks for writing this.
It isn't even just in real life either - imagine just calling a friend for a quick chat for no particular purpose. If any of my friends called me without texting first I'd assume they were in some sort of emergency, not just because they wanted to say hi!
I think texting / planning are sort of low-key ways of reducing social friction (you don't have to read a text until you want to, you can choose not to attend events). Dropping in, calling people - they're all sort of "high intensity" moments in contrast, and for some reason, perhaps because alternatives exist/are easier now, we all sort of coalesce around the easy path and never see each other
Thanks, Angela! I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I figured other people were also wondering about it, so it was worth highlighting. I think David, in his comment here, is onto something: we have largely structured our modern lives around convenience. We haven't really appreciated the opportunity cost of that convenience, though.
So one important way that TV land differs from real life: these sets are always immaculate. Like, Monica's apartment is never less than perfectly clean. Jerry is also a fastidious cleaner, all these TV sets are never believably messy, no dirty dishes. Like, you never see Jerry cooking dinner-- if the Seinfeld crew eats, it's at that diner, or maybe they try to get soup. There's no meals to be cooked, dishes to be washed, no laundry to be picked up and washed, dried, folded, put away, etc., there's no, well-- household maintenance of any kind to get done. There's barely any groceries to buy, unless you can do a bit with a funny grocer. None of these TV circles of friends gets their groceries from a chain grocery store, or at least, not on camera. They never go shopping for clothes or household goods. They never need to get a new couch. Also, they only go through their bills when it's a bit. They don't have to schedule doctor's appointments. They get sick only performatively, they almost never have any health condition that needs regular appointments unless they're pregnant or it's a bit.
All of this is assumed to be off camera, and off camera-- everyone is a fastidiously immaculate keeper of their homes, perfect home accountants, etc. In real life-- when most of us have guests, we have to work furiously to get the house up to snuff, whatever our comfort level is. And we need to eat. And most of are are not immaculately fastidious house keepers. We have home repairs that need doing. Often car repairs. Bills to manage. etc. etc. etc.
And that's not even counting all the other things that would make a pop-in uncomfortable. There is the need to entertain your guest-- you need something to 'do,' you need to have drinks and snacks to offer them. Before you can have a friend that 'pops over,' or even a family member, you need to get to the point where that friend is comfortable with whatever state of mess your house is in by default. Before you can get to the stage where your talkative friend is over every day, they need to get comfortable talking to you while you make dinner, or fold the laundry, etc. You've got to be able to stop whatever you're doing-- and entertain. Even if you really need to go through your bank account, or wait on hold to argue with the cable company about your internet bill, or make sure you can return that thing Amazon delivered that got damaged in transit, or... well, all the tasks that Millennials dubbed 'adulting.'
If you have kids? That throws even more spanners into the works. Families with younger children have entire bedtime routines during prime time TV slots. Before that, they probably have homework, or extra-curriculars. Thier kids are in activities like swim-class, or soccer, or scouting, etc. etc. etc. Almost no kids are fastidiously tidy. They are rambunctious and interrupt; they want to be Part Of The Conversation, even if they have no idea what the adults are talking about. They spill grape juice on your guests. As they age-- they have extracurriculars, they have homework. You have to work some kind of scheme or discipline to get them to clean their room, pick up their laundry, do other chores. And you need to play with them-- you got to get in some Mariocart with your 12 year old, maybe sit down for 'tea' with your 6 year old, get them to the park, play outside in the yard, etc.
So, yeah-- as a kid, you don't have to manage all this 'adulting' stuff, your parents manage most of it for you. Kids care less about how clean the house is. if there is one kid who has parents that make their home open to the other neighborhood kids, then yeah-- kids are happy to gather together. But there are fewer of those, because fewer people are having kids, and if they have kids, they have fewer of them. Like on a given city block, the odds that there are more than two kids in the same age range is not great. My kid is the only kid under 15 on the block, for example. When Boomers were having more kids (us) there were more families with an age-range of kids. Neighborhood kids are not even guaranteed friends, so yeah. A 'playdate' is just another event that takes a couple weeks to coordinate. And again takes someone with a house/apartment they're comfortable hosting in.
In college-- 'adulting' is still a bit away. No one cares if your dorm room has laundry to pick up. Food happens at the dorm cafeteria. If you live off campus-- college boys are basically expected to have messy homes. I lived in a 'party' house with 5 other guys, and people were constantly in and out. No one cared the carpet was filthy, or if there were red solo cups from the last party, or dirty dishes in the sink as long as they were not actively rotting. The couches were old and over-used stuff we picked up second or third hand, passed down from friends when they had to move. We vacuumed, we didn't have like spills or such we just left untouched, but yeah. We were not really that embarrassed by like the scuff marks on the wall from the last party.
When I got my first apartment all to myself-- well, then I cared a lot more about adulting, about having nice things, about having a schedule and stuff to do. I needed to care more about being a good host. I needed to save money and eat more groceries than fast food.
That's the change that happens once you are a full 'adult.' And that is when random pop-ins become kind of an imposition. Then once you realize it's an imposition, you stop dropping in on your friends, so that you're not imposing on them.
It's just now occurred on me, the half-dozen comments I’ve left on this blog - and indeed this very comment - can be expressed in a single, reliable syntax:
“Having recently moved from Austin to San Francisco, I've discovered [routine instances of] the [particular socio-behavioral convention] whose obsolescence Ryan laments in [the article above].”
A proven model.
Ha! I initially laughed at this comment but now I think it makes me sad.
I've been wringing my hands all weekend over whether I should have punctuated the last sentence with an exclamation point!
You need to live close by. My best friend lives two floors above me, and I often pop up for a nightcap after dinner. Love it.
Love that! I wrote this article as an appeal to my friends who do live nearby to take me up on it!
As kids, this was the typical thing we did; go over to a friends house and ring the doorbell and see if they could play. Similarly, as a young adult in an urban university, we used to pop up at each other's apartments to have a beer, discuss class, maybe even study occasionally. It is so sad to read this, and realize the chance of a friend popping over today is absolutely zero. We've lost so much.
Pop in anytime! :)
I think the more modern acceptable version of this is what SD said below, taking a walk in your neighborhood and running into friends and neighbors, but this assumes you know some of your neighbors and the area is walkable. We are fortunate to have that where we live, but it is sadly absent for so many in modern life. I love the aspirational quality of this article!
Thank you, and yes, I think connectivity—how easy it is to get somewhere else—is key. Walkable neighborhoods are more connected!
Your article made me think of Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz lol. But, seriously, I live in an apartment building on the Upper West Side. There are 6 apartments on my floor and I hardly see or have any contact with my neighbors. But, there is a block association and an Aging in Place community in the area.
Similarly, we almost never interacted with our neighbors when we lived in apartment buildings. We have a lot more interactions with neighbors in Austin now, thanks to having a cute dog, so we always encounter folks while taking her out.
Great article. The "stop and chat" in Curb and the "pop-in" in Seinfeld... both despised by the main characters but we all need a little more of both in our lives. Especially men and dads, in particular.
100%
Solid breakdown. The bit about walkability gets overlooked alot but it's huge. I lived in a dense neighborhood once where the coffee shop run basiclaly became a social ritual because everyone was always there. The distance factor alone kills spontaniety before any social anxiety even enters the picture.
Absolutely. I think connectivity matters a lot here, whether it's the means (eg sidewalks) or the nodes (eg coffee shops or front porches).
Some people do not answer their doors at all. At this point, front doors of SF dwellings are becoming obsolete. We are chicken shits.
I'm thinking about this for a follow-up post.
Do you mean people not answering their doors or the obsolescence of front doors?
The obsolescence of front doors.
Good. The best I have is bitchy sniping at this point, so I would look forward to an intelligent treatment of the subject.
😂