I don’t have anything profound to add except to say it’s the small things that grease the wheels of civility, like letting someone enter your lane in front of you and them giving you a little wave, or holding the elevator door open so the next person makes it. Those tiny things can make or break someone’s motivation to pay it forward and be willing to compromise on the really big things.
I wish you had also addressed the less visible/intangible side of assholery, like not abusing public services, cheating the tax system, doing ANYTHING to avoid jury duty (my favorite hill to die on), or abstaining from voting.
I feel people have stopped seeing these things as obligations--maybe because they didn't personally vote for them, or maybe just because it's unlikely their peers will ever find out and judge them for it--but it results in the same kind of displacement of responsibility for cleaning up the mess. I don't think the work of labor organizers would disappear, for instance, but the effort might not be so Sisyphean if we all saw ourselves as contributing parts of the same system. Or maybe people could actually be guaranteed a speedy (or speedier) trial as the Constitution intends if everyone would just stop playing hooky.
This behind-the-scenes civility may cost each of us a few thousand dollars to enact (and I agree that's a substantial sum for most people) but in avoiding the individual up front cost we're sacrificing that fundamental element of respect for those others that are present--read: our fellow citizens, down the street and across the country. In behaving so selfishly, secret assholes are creating generalized problems that take longer and cost exponentially more to address in organizing, lobbying, legislating, litigating, and missed opportunities... and it all rolls back down the hill anyway to hit the the asshole just as hard as anyone else.
Yeah, these things are definitely part of it—and I could have written a longer post, but then it really would have been a rant! But your examples are illustrative: it's easy to take the system for granted, but much harder to build one when one doesn't exist—or to reclaim it once it's gone.
During the (let's call it) Peak Woke Era, it became fashionable among a certain set to pooh pooh the virtues of civility. The idea was that civility was simply a smokescreen that bigots use to cover their racist/sexist/etc behavior.
I didn't buy it then, and I think the argument has aged especially poorly with Trump and the (observable and measurable) rise in bad behavior post-COVID. (As seen in things like a rise in the number of reported incidents of disruptive passengers on planes.)
I think you're right--assholery is contagious, and so is civility. Civility doesn't solve everything, nor does is it fix society's injustices--but it sure is a good starting point for making a better society. Also, it has the virtue of not costing anything.
Thanks, Jake—I agree. Civility not only doesn't cost us anything, it creates innumerable positive externalities: safe and clean public spaces, trust in government and each other, a benevolent sense of the value of other people, and so on. Civility isn't a panacea for deeper problems, for sure, but you can't have a functioning society without it.
Yeah, but the problem is that when a less-powerful person objects to the behavior of a more-powerful person, their options are either a) object quietly and be ignored or b) be accused of incivility.
Counterpoint: the US civil rights movement scrupulously maintained civility, even when it threatened the entire existing social order. I don't know that human history has a more successful example of a minority group improving its realization of basic human rights.
Civility absolutely doesn't mean being a pushover. It just means acting in good faith, and extending a basic presumption of the same to others, until they prove otherwise. If you act in good faith and your opponent does not, then other people will notice.
I don't think the civil rights movement was seen as civil by its contemporaries, even if we classify it as such today. "Nonviolent" != "civil", and flagrantly violating social norms (by, for instance, sitting down at a segregated lunch counter while black, or camping on the quad to call for your university to divest from Israel) is often not considered as civil.
Washington’s self-restraint is one of the biggest factors in the success of American independence, and one of the easiest things to roll your eyes at as an American student growing up, when you’re still in the vice grip of cynical second-opinion bias. But when you look at the track record of revolutionary military generals presented with a similar choice as Washington in other countries—Bonaparte, Bolivar, Cromwell, Louverture, Santa Anna, Kornilov, Díaz, Mao, Atatürk and so on—it becomes really clear that Washington was not normal. He became a global celebrity at the time precisely because it was so unusual for the man who commands the loyalty of the army to relinquish power
As a frequent pedestrian and cyclist in San Francisco, a city of many Waymos (Waymi?), I too find them to be the most courteous and trustworthy vehicle on the road. Also: everything else you said.
Ah Ryan, its finally gotten to you in a big way. Loved your essay and read it with current Washington in mind. I will also refer you to a 2007 publication called "The No Asshold Rule" by Robert Sutton, PhD. I can tolerate the minor pettiness that occurs everyday, unfortunately. What is more frightening and inexcusable is the violations and neglect by those who have sworn to uphold the law. Enough said there but thank you for expressing the frustration and disgust that so many feel.
Thank you, definitely among your finest posts. Individualism run rampant. Asshole-dom seems common enough regardless of political persuasion. Though it's clear our Asshole in Chief has elevated and set an example for this behavior, especially for his followers. I do find it amusing that those on the right who clamour with zeal for robust law enforcement drop that view when it comes to enforcement of traffic laws.
Completely agreed that it doesn't have a political alignment, I have known very considerate & polite people as well as rude & careless people of all political views, cultural mores etc. While it's not always the case rural people often seem to be more reliably considerate. They depend more on neighbors & maintaining those relationships.
What a perfectly constructed essay! You're making an argument related to the "broken windows" theory of crime communities which tolerate small criminal transgressions invite larger ones.
The person who is trustworthy in very small matters is also trustworthy in great ones; and the person who is dishonest in very small matters is also dishonest in great ones. Luke 16:10
I don’t have anything profound to add except to say it’s the small things that grease the wheels of civility, like letting someone enter your lane in front of you and them giving you a little wave, or holding the elevator door open so the next person makes it. Those tiny things can make or break someone’s motivation to pay it forward and be willing to compromise on the really big things.
And it can even make someones day better, even if we don’t know it
I agree! They're part of what makes society not only civil, but benevolent.
I wish you had also addressed the less visible/intangible side of assholery, like not abusing public services, cheating the tax system, doing ANYTHING to avoid jury duty (my favorite hill to die on), or abstaining from voting.
I feel people have stopped seeing these things as obligations--maybe because they didn't personally vote for them, or maybe just because it's unlikely their peers will ever find out and judge them for it--but it results in the same kind of displacement of responsibility for cleaning up the mess. I don't think the work of labor organizers would disappear, for instance, but the effort might not be so Sisyphean if we all saw ourselves as contributing parts of the same system. Or maybe people could actually be guaranteed a speedy (or speedier) trial as the Constitution intends if everyone would just stop playing hooky.
This behind-the-scenes civility may cost each of us a few thousand dollars to enact (and I agree that's a substantial sum for most people) but in avoiding the individual up front cost we're sacrificing that fundamental element of respect for those others that are present--read: our fellow citizens, down the street and across the country. In behaving so selfishly, secret assholes are creating generalized problems that take longer and cost exponentially more to address in organizing, lobbying, legislating, litigating, and missed opportunities... and it all rolls back down the hill anyway to hit the the asshole just as hard as anyone else.
Yeah, these things are definitely part of it—and I could have written a longer post, but then it really would have been a rant! But your examples are illustrative: it's easy to take the system for granted, but much harder to build one when one doesn't exist—or to reclaim it once it's gone.
During the (let's call it) Peak Woke Era, it became fashionable among a certain set to pooh pooh the virtues of civility. The idea was that civility was simply a smokescreen that bigots use to cover their racist/sexist/etc behavior.
I didn't buy it then, and I think the argument has aged especially poorly with Trump and the (observable and measurable) rise in bad behavior post-COVID. (As seen in things like a rise in the number of reported incidents of disruptive passengers on planes.)
I think you're right--assholery is contagious, and so is civility. Civility doesn't solve everything, nor does is it fix society's injustices--but it sure is a good starting point for making a better society. Also, it has the virtue of not costing anything.
Thanks, Jake—I agree. Civility not only doesn't cost us anything, it creates innumerable positive externalities: safe and clean public spaces, trust in government and each other, a benevolent sense of the value of other people, and so on. Civility isn't a panacea for deeper problems, for sure, but you can't have a functioning society without it.
Yeah, but the problem is that when a less-powerful person objects to the behavior of a more-powerful person, their options are either a) object quietly and be ignored or b) be accused of incivility.
So contra your comment, civility does have a cost--a civil protest is one that's easier to ignore, which can prolong an injustice
Counterpoint: the US civil rights movement scrupulously maintained civility, even when it threatened the entire existing social order. I don't know that human history has a more successful example of a minority group improving its realization of basic human rights.
Civility absolutely doesn't mean being a pushover. It just means acting in good faith, and extending a basic presumption of the same to others, until they prove otherwise. If you act in good faith and your opponent does not, then other people will notice.
Yes, and look how long that's taking! The US civil rights movement is 249 yrs old and counting.
I don't think the civil rights movement was seen as civil by its contemporaries, even if we classify it as such today. "Nonviolent" != "civil", and flagrantly violating social norms (by, for instance, sitting down at a segregated lunch counter while black, or camping on the quad to call for your university to divest from Israel) is often not considered as civil.
Washington’s self-restraint is one of the biggest factors in the success of American independence, and one of the easiest things to roll your eyes at as an American student growing up, when you’re still in the vice grip of cynical second-opinion bias. But when you look at the track record of revolutionary military generals presented with a similar choice as Washington in other countries—Bonaparte, Bolivar, Cromwell, Louverture, Santa Anna, Kornilov, Díaz, Mao, Atatürk and so on—it becomes really clear that Washington was not normal. He became a global celebrity at the time precisely because it was so unusual for the man who commands the loyalty of the army to relinquish power
100%. The rarity of his political character inflected the kind of nation we inherited. Once that's gone, well, we're gone.
As a frequent pedestrian and cyclist in San Francisco, a city of many Waymos (Waymi?), I too find them to be the most courteous and trustworthy vehicle on the road. Also: everything else you said.
Ha! Stay safe out there!
Bravo! We need to make America funny again.
"Papa John’s Pizza Product" just might be your own apotheosis.
Haha! Who will paint my fresco?
Courtesy doesn’t cost anything and makes everyone happier. I try always to practice it.
100%!
Ah Ryan, its finally gotten to you in a big way. Loved your essay and read it with current Washington in mind. I will also refer you to a 2007 publication called "The No Asshold Rule" by Robert Sutton, PhD. I can tolerate the minor pettiness that occurs everyday, unfortunately. What is more frightening and inexcusable is the violations and neglect by those who have sworn to uphold the law. Enough said there but thank you for expressing the frustration and disgust that so many feel.
Thanks, Liz. I'll check that out.
Your finest post this year. Well said. I had a teacher who convinced me that the greatest American trait, sadly, is selfishness.
Ha, thanks!
Thank you, definitely among your finest posts. Individualism run rampant. Asshole-dom seems common enough regardless of political persuasion. Though it's clear our Asshole in Chief has elevated and set an example for this behavior, especially for his followers. I do find it amusing that those on the right who clamour with zeal for robust law enforcement drop that view when it comes to enforcement of traffic laws.
Completely agreed that it doesn't have a political alignment, I have known very considerate & polite people as well as rude & careless people of all political views, cultural mores etc. While it's not always the case rural people often seem to be more reliably considerate. They depend more on neighbors & maintaining those relationships.
What a perfectly constructed essay! You're making an argument related to the "broken windows" theory of crime communities which tolerate small criminal transgressions invite larger ones.
The person who is trustworthy in very small matters is also trustworthy in great ones; and the person who is dishonest in very small matters is also dishonest in great ones. Luke 16:10