Loved this article Ryan! What you wrote about is so true! I don’t feel comfortable anymore to just stop by and visit a neighbor without a phone call first! Gone are the days we experienced on Sawmill when I would just pop in on your mom for a quick visit!
The pop-in that was most unusual was Clarissa Explains It All. Her friend came in through her window. So interesting that her parents didn’t mind a boy prop a ladder next to their house and hang out without ever coming to greet them.
The pop-in has to be someone very special and very intimate in our present overbooked lives. They have to be the ones who don’t mind that they have to move laundry off the couch to sit down or that you’re inexplicably in a shower cap at 1pm on a Saturday.
Our friend meetings are manicured and overall, a lot more polite. What friend has watched you cut your toenails while you listen to gossip? I just find we lack that intimacy with people. Get togethers are high stakes sometimes and performative. More than a friend to pop in, I want a friend who will see me and accept me. That’s really what we’re a lot of us are looking for.
I agree—the pop-in is for intimate friends, and also a way to sustain that intimacy. When I was in education, we would talk about the importance of unstructured playtime for the kids. I think adults also need unstructured playtime with their adult friends, opportunities for low-stakes hanging out, nothing performative or formal. Thanks for your comments, Chevanne!
I would totally pop in to your house if I lived nearby! I crave this same kind of community, and we have it to an extent in Salt Lake City. Everyone has large porches and pops over for a drink or dinner frequently. The problem is that it goes away in winter when everyone’s hanging out indoors and you can’t see anyone hanging out. You’re right, it feels weird to knock.
But that makes me wonder whether there is a follow up post about how architecture can facilitate the pop in!
Same! I'm glad to hear you have something of it in Salt Lake. This essay was a thinly veiled cri de cœur (or cry for help!) to my Austin readership—or maybe a warning to expect me!
In a city like New York (Also what's portrayed in the sitcoms), there's the other problem of having building door between you and the apartment. So, the pop-in entails some risk that the person might not be home, in which case, you've got to keep the faith that it is still worth it; or, you've got to have some knowledge of your friends' normal patterns of life, perhaps gleaned through regular popping in?
Great idea on the architecture of the pop-in! I'll think on that. :)
At Edge Esmeralda, we got a tour of a small urbanist infill development called River House (https://jzmkpartners.com/project/riverhouse/). The developer pushed for dutch doors, over the contractor's complaint about extra cost. Now he hears from the owners that the doors let them signal that they are open for pop-ins. If the top door closed, I'm busy. Top door open, feel free to come over and chat.
I’m fortunate to live in a highly walkable neighborhood. Any time you sit outside or go for a walk there’s a high probability of bumping into your neighbors, and that’s one of the highlights of living here.
But pop-ins aren’t much of a thing. Even for my kids, they have friends down the street but they want us to text the parents to find out if they can play. I sometimes refuse and tell them they have to go knock (like I did as a kid!). I think our social norms have just changed a lot in the smartphone age.
I think you're right that smartphones have something to do with it, but the norms have definitely changed, and I don't think (in this respect) it's for the better. I think the door-knocking is a valuable way kids learn socialization!
We also live in a highly walkable neighborhood; bumping into folks outside is definitely a highlight!
I grew up watching Clarissa Explains It All, and my best friend and I keep the pop-in alive and well. Sometimes, a spontaneous "Hi, how are ya?" fits in better than trying to force time into a bloated schedule. Highly recommend.
This piece offers a thoughtful and nostalgic exploration of the pop-in, a social phenomenon that seems increasingly rare in modern life, and I grew up with it. You highlight the growing disconnect in our real-life relationships by skilfully blending references to great TV shows with personal reflections and societal observations. Your analysis of how convenience culture and social atrophy contribute to the decline of spontaneous visits was particularly insightful. You brilliantly argue that reclaiming the simplicity and intimacy of the pop-in could enrich our lives, reminding us of the small but meaningful interactions that build lasting connections. This piece is a compelling call to rediscover the value of effortless, everyday socialisation. I am so glad I found it.
A couple of related things I've been trying (or planning to try) in my own life to replicate the "easy meetings" that you rightly note we're lacking.
One is hobbies that include regular meetings. For me, that's my running club. We have a Facebook page where people post where, when, and how far they run. Others can sign up (it's FB poll), and the result has been that pretty much every day there are 1-3 groups of 2-10 people on our local trails running and talking. Over the past three years, this has led to close friendships--and now some people will just post "I'm home, coffee at my place, anyone?" in the middle of the day, or post "it's Tuesday. I'll be at this Taco place; comment if you can join", or "I'm in my home gym working out on these two nights each week, pop on over!" It's not quite popping over like you describe, but I think it has a similar effect.
One other thing I'm planning to try is to host a dedicated "pop over and work together" day at my house. Many of us work remotely, and for a while, at my last job, I hosted "work at Heike Wednesdays" once a month for people who lived near me and worked at my company. I'm thinking I could just do that for people in my running club and others in my local network. That way, they all know that on a given day, it's totally ok to just stop by - and my plan is to keep it very casual (not total cleaning of the house, no fancy meals, but maybe bagels and a salad and store-bought cookies and cold lemonade). It a project for the fall--I'll keep you posted if I do it, and I'd love if others tried something similar!
Thanks, Heike! That's cool that the running club has evolved into something more. It sounds like the recipe was having a shared interest, the ability to connect with others about it, and then doing it with regularity. And that added up over time into "effortless" friendships. Love it.
And I really love your idea of a periodic work-from-home day. That's such an easy thing to make happen. Keep me posted. I'm thinking I might try it!
I think walkable neighbourhoods can help create some version of the 'pop-in' which is the unexpected running into friends and neighbours while going from one place to another - something we miss out on when we are all stuck in cars. It's not as intentional as the pop-in of course, but does provide some of the much need community connectedness we all need.
Loved this article Ryan! What you wrote about is so true! I don’t feel comfortable anymore to just stop by and visit a neighbor without a phone call first! Gone are the days we experienced on Sawmill when I would just pop in on your mom for a quick visit!
Thanks, Bonny! Times have changed, that's for sure! Maybe they can change again. :)
The pop-in that was most unusual was Clarissa Explains It All. Her friend came in through her window. So interesting that her parents didn’t mind a boy prop a ladder next to their house and hang out without ever coming to greet them.
The pop-in has to be someone very special and very intimate in our present overbooked lives. They have to be the ones who don’t mind that they have to move laundry off the couch to sit down or that you’re inexplicably in a shower cap at 1pm on a Saturday.
Our friend meetings are manicured and overall, a lot more polite. What friend has watched you cut your toenails while you listen to gossip? I just find we lack that intimacy with people. Get togethers are high stakes sometimes and performative. More than a friend to pop in, I want a friend who will see me and accept me. That’s really what we’re a lot of us are looking for.
I agree—the pop-in is for intimate friends, and also a way to sustain that intimacy. When I was in education, we would talk about the importance of unstructured playtime for the kids. I think adults also need unstructured playtime with their adult friends, opportunities for low-stakes hanging out, nothing performative or formal. Thanks for your comments, Chevanne!
Unstructured play…oooo! There is far too much planning in my friendships. Calendars get broken out as a standard. Time to show up unannounced!
I would totally pop in to your house if I lived nearby! I crave this same kind of community, and we have it to an extent in Salt Lake City. Everyone has large porches and pops over for a drink or dinner frequently. The problem is that it goes away in winter when everyone’s hanging out indoors and you can’t see anyone hanging out. You’re right, it feels weird to knock.
But that makes me wonder whether there is a follow up post about how architecture can facilitate the pop in!
Same! I'm glad to hear you have something of it in Salt Lake. This essay was a thinly veiled cri de cœur (or cry for help!) to my Austin readership—or maybe a warning to expect me!
In a city like New York (Also what's portrayed in the sitcoms), there's the other problem of having building door between you and the apartment. So, the pop-in entails some risk that the person might not be home, in which case, you've got to keep the faith that it is still worth it; or, you've got to have some knowledge of your friends' normal patterns of life, perhaps gleaned through regular popping in?
Great idea on the architecture of the pop-in! I'll think on that. :)
At Edge Esmeralda, we got a tour of a small urbanist infill development called River House (https://jzmkpartners.com/project/riverhouse/). The developer pushed for dutch doors, over the contractor's complaint about extra cost. Now he hears from the owners that the doors let them signal that they are open for pop-ins. If the top door closed, I'm busy. Top door open, feel free to come over and chat.
I love that so much! What a great idea!
I’m fortunate to live in a highly walkable neighborhood. Any time you sit outside or go for a walk there’s a high probability of bumping into your neighbors, and that’s one of the highlights of living here.
But pop-ins aren’t much of a thing. Even for my kids, they have friends down the street but they want us to text the parents to find out if they can play. I sometimes refuse and tell them they have to go knock (like I did as a kid!). I think our social norms have just changed a lot in the smartphone age.
I think you're right that smartphones have something to do with it, but the norms have definitely changed, and I don't think (in this respect) it's for the better. I think the door-knocking is a valuable way kids learn socialization!
We also live in a highly walkable neighborhood; bumping into folks outside is definitely a highlight!
I grew up watching Clarissa Explains It All, and my best friend and I keep the pop-in alive and well. Sometimes, a spontaneous "Hi, how are ya?" fits in better than trying to force time into a bloated schedule. Highly recommend.
I love it! I had forgotten about Clarissa Explains It All, but I also grew up watching it...it really is a sitcom trope!
This piece offers a thoughtful and nostalgic exploration of the pop-in, a social phenomenon that seems increasingly rare in modern life, and I grew up with it. You highlight the growing disconnect in our real-life relationships by skilfully blending references to great TV shows with personal reflections and societal observations. Your analysis of how convenience culture and social atrophy contribute to the decline of spontaneous visits was particularly insightful. You brilliantly argue that reclaiming the simplicity and intimacy of the pop-in could enrich our lives, reminding us of the small but meaningful interactions that build lasting connections. This piece is a compelling call to rediscover the value of effortless, everyday socialisation. I am so glad I found it.
Thanks, Jon! I appreciate it!
Lovely as usual, Ryan!
A couple of related things I've been trying (or planning to try) in my own life to replicate the "easy meetings" that you rightly note we're lacking.
One is hobbies that include regular meetings. For me, that's my running club. We have a Facebook page where people post where, when, and how far they run. Others can sign up (it's FB poll), and the result has been that pretty much every day there are 1-3 groups of 2-10 people on our local trails running and talking. Over the past three years, this has led to close friendships--and now some people will just post "I'm home, coffee at my place, anyone?" in the middle of the day, or post "it's Tuesday. I'll be at this Taco place; comment if you can join", or "I'm in my home gym working out on these two nights each week, pop on over!" It's not quite popping over like you describe, but I think it has a similar effect.
One other thing I'm planning to try is to host a dedicated "pop over and work together" day at my house. Many of us work remotely, and for a while, at my last job, I hosted "work at Heike Wednesdays" once a month for people who lived near me and worked at my company. I'm thinking I could just do that for people in my running club and others in my local network. That way, they all know that on a given day, it's totally ok to just stop by - and my plan is to keep it very casual (not total cleaning of the house, no fancy meals, but maybe bagels and a salad and store-bought cookies and cold lemonade). It a project for the fall--I'll keep you posted if I do it, and I'd love if others tried something similar!
Thanks, Heike! That's cool that the running club has evolved into something more. It sounds like the recipe was having a shared interest, the ability to connect with others about it, and then doing it with regularity. And that added up over time into "effortless" friendships. Love it.
And I really love your idea of a periodic work-from-home day. That's such an easy thing to make happen. Keep me posted. I'm thinking I might try it!
I think walkable neighbourhoods can help create some version of the 'pop-in' which is the unexpected running into friends and neighbours while going from one place to another - something we miss out on when we are all stuck in cars. It's not as intentional as the pop-in of course, but does provide some of the much need community connectedness we all need.
I definitely agree. Just walking around the neighborhood gives us lots of low-stakes interaction with our neighbors, which is still nice!
I feel this so deeply. I’m tired of all the scheduling. It’s exhausting! Can we be spontaneous in letting people into our lives?